SPNLP: Numb
by Arldetta
Summary: Dean's thoughts pre and during season 1 regarding his father. Series of Drabbles based off of Linkin Park's Songs. Please read and review!
1. tired

Title: Numb

Author: Arldetta

Disclaimer: Don't own anything supernatural, cept maybe some dragon and gargoyle statues. And I bought some Linkin Park cd's too.

Summary: Dean's thoughts pre and during season 1 regarding his father. Maybe some hints of Season 2, also.

Author's note: Real quick, thought I would challenge myself and write a series of drabbles based off the lyrics of Linkin Park songs. A 100 word drabble for each line in the song. Lastly, the song lyrics are interspersed in the drabble and shown in _italics_. If this works out, I am hoping to continue through the series with a few more songs. Feedback would be great, otherwise just enjoy! Thanks for reading!

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

(tired)

I have looked up to you my whole life. Since I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was you.

You saw that and took it. You made me your clone.

Drilled and drilled into my head everything you thought I should be. A hunter. Strong. Fearless. Responsible. A protector of the innocent. Of Family.

And I was until it all fell apart. I wasn't strong enough to hold us together. And I lost everything. A brother. A father. Myself.

And still you expected everything from me.

But _I'm tired of being what you want me to be,_ Dad.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

And there you have it. The first installment. I have more written and hope to post 1 a day until the song is finished. Wish me luck! Thanks again.

~Ari :D


	2. faithless

Another quick note, yesterday I was reading what I had written already and did notice it was slightly OOC. Thought I would mention that. Otherwise, it is what it is. Enjoy!

- S – P – N – S – P – N -

(faithless)

I believed in you. I believed that family was the most important thing in the world. That no matter what happened, no matter how bad things got, we still had family.

Then it fell apart. What I believed in shattered. I started _feeling so faithless_. What was I supposed to do? Everything I believed in was all because of you.

It's gone. You ran away. And I'm fighting for something I can never have again.

Alone in a sea with no end. Drowning in a desert with waves of raging sand. I'm _lost under the surface, caught in the undertow._

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Ok, this one had line 2 and 5 in it, but I thought they flowed well together and combined them. Anyway, I hope you liked. More tomorrow!

Thanks!

~Ari :D


	3. Expecting

Sorry, I have been reading so many wonderful fics out there, that I just couldn't give up! After all, I'm doing 5 seasons of catch up here; so much to read, so little time! hehe ;) Anyway, my scene study class is over tonight and I got some plot bunnies nibbling at my toes, so it's time to get cracking! Thanks for your patience, now let's get this song rolling!

(expecting)

I did everything for you. For this family. Everything you wanted of me. No questions asked.

You said run and I ran. You said shoot and I fired. You said protect your brother and I watched over Sammy like a hawk.

But how could I keep that up when you let him walk away? How am I supposed to protect our family when it's scattered in pieces. Chaos blowing in the wind.

I came back to an empty room. You left me stranded. Should I follow you? Or keep on hunting? I just _don't know what you're expecting of me._

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Thanks for reading! Catch you all tomorrow.

~Ari :D


	4. pressure

(pressure)

I don't know what to do? I know what you taught me to be. Taking orders, following directions.

What happens when the orders stop? When you have no one to listen to but yourself? Who should I look to?

Making calls and doing research just to find you. But no one's worried because they all said the same thing. "You'll find him, kid, because you're John's boy."

That's it. They dismiss me and I'm alone again.

Their confidence, my fears. Do you know what it's like? Being _put under the pressure of walking in your shoes._

No, didn't think so.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Not sure I like this one as much, but it is what it is. Thanks for reading!

~Ari :D


	5. smothering

(smothering)

Still did what you wanted. Tried picking up the pieces of our shattered world.

Kept up the mask of holding it together. Protecting the innocent. Destroying evil. Dogging at your heels.

Closing in. I feel the weight of my burden. And all I can think of; is what exactly am I to you? Just a tool; weapon to use.

Even without you here, I feel you hovering at my shoulder. The pressure of living up to your expectations. The shadow of John Winchester.

_Can't you see that you're smothering me?_ Crushing me under the weight of your obsession. Killing me.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Hope you enjoyed! More again tomorrow!

~Ari :D


	6. control

(control)

Fighting. Surviving. Killing. Pain. Despair. And it's every day. Every day a struggle.

Together or apart, it's all the same. We hunt and get hunted. Sacrificing everything.

And what's our reward? Pain? A couple 'Thanks' once in a while. Payback?

Is our suffering worth all that? Your obsession. Sammy's "normal" life. My home.

And I don't know what's worse. The fact we cling to our past. Or the fear of succeeding and losing our future altogether.

The end is near. We're staring down the barrel and you're _holding too tightly, afraid to lose control._ You're losing everything that you hold.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Thanks again and see you mañana!

~Ari :D


	7. thought

(thought)

I'm barely holding on. It's all unraveling.

We just got back together and already the fighting has begun.

Why is it so difficult to put aside your differences? You two want the same thing. Prey to the same obsession.

And me? How long before I break? Til I'm holding nothing, alone again. I'm not strong enough.

Cause no matter how hard I fight, no matter what I do, I'm losing both of you.

I can see that look on your face. And it's killing me. _Cause everything that you thought I should be has fallen apart right in front of you._

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

I would say we are about half way through, so thanks for reading! Much love to all!

~Ari :)


	8. mistake

(mistake)

How dare you? How dare you sit there and accuse me? After everything I have done, what right do you have?

You left. Sammy left. I stayed. I fought to get us back together. And we are, finally. But it's too late.

I tried to smooth things between you too. But I failed. I couldn't protect him from you. And I sure as hell couldn't protect him from those damn visions. How is that my fault, Dad? If I told you or not, I'm still wrong.

Like it matters, because _every step that I take is another mistake to you._

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Sorry this one was strongly influenced by the scene we worked on in class from Streetcar named desire. For some reason I saw a lot of Dean and Sam in that scene just with different motivations from Blanche and Stella. Just hope it worked out here. Thanks for reading.

~Ari :D


	9. numb

(numb)

Whether you are here or not, dad, no longer matters. _I've become so numb_, like the soldier you wanted me to be.

An order, a mission, a job. That's all there is. Even the pain is dull. Just another reminder of what not to do. How not to screw everything up.

Death, the cold reality of not being fast enough, smart enough, prepared enough for the battle. The sting of loss is quick and bitter.

I do what I must to find the will to keep going. I harden my heart against the pain. _I can't feel you there_ anymore.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

I know this one is slightly out of order, but I felt it needed to be here. TTFN.

~Ari :D


	10. waste

(waste)

That's it. It's over. I've had enough of this obsession; this revenge.

I loved Mom. I still do. But she's gone. Nothing we can do will save her now.

Don't think for one moment that some damn Demon or Gun is more important than this family.

Because it's not. You are. Sammy is. Staying together; holding on to what we've got is everything. So I'm coming to get you. _And every second I waste is more than I can take._

I can't lose anyone else. Not now, not ever. I'll do whatever it takes.

I'll sacrifice everything for you.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Notice, not himself? Dean, you are important too! I guess that is why we love him so much. Well, hope you enjoyed!

On another side note, my hubby surprised me with Roses and Season 3 on DVD! And I bought myself season 1 this week for my B-day and already had 2 & 4 so now I'm all caught up! Yippee! Very excited.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

~Ari :D


	11. aware

(aware)

We've made it. We're together. Nothing else matters now.

And I know it's not over. I know we're not safe yet. I can't help it though, I've just _become so tired_.

We just need a rest, a breather from all this running, all this demon/revenge crap.

You say words that I'm longing to hear. Soothing my tired soul..

But they sound so wrong coming from you. I know you enough. I've become _so much more aware_.

And this isn't you. Because your obsession is more than you can lose.

For your wife, your children, a demon to be killed.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

Whew! That was a hard one, kept coming up short on words, if you can believe it! Well, just one more and this little jaunt will be over! See ya tomorrow!

~Ari :D


	12. becoming less

(becoming less)

I thought it couldn't get any worse, but it did. _I'm becoming this_ scapegoat for everyone.

This damn demon and his effed up family, wearing your face. A face I have loved and trusted my whole life.

And your voice, that I once hoped would offer some sort of praise. Your words now twisted and yet so true.

Did you ever really need me?

This vendetta is yours. It's destroyed our family and I am done.

I had always wanted to be you, but now _all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you_.

- S – P – N – S – P – N –

And that's it. I decided not to include the bridge, couldn't really fit it in well, so I just cut it.

Thank you all for reading! Special thanks for those who reviewed or added it to alerts or faves, you have made me a happy girl! I have about 4 other songs I would like to do this with, but not sure if I will get to it. I am also working on a few other plot bunnies, a 'short' story and a longer one at least. So hopefully I will be back with one of those.

Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did. Much love to all!

~Ari :D


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